internal audits

The snow is here. The light is bright.

There are big changes around the corner, and I am aching with the waiting of it. There was a secret medicine ball that fell open before I could pretend I had not guessed what it was, and now I must pretend I never heard; my very bones turn to mush at the thought.

It has been four months since I left my home behind; did you know, my dear? I have grown in ways I did not anticipate; and those are the best ways to grow (and the best ways to listen to new music). And I have been singing lullabies across states, seated on balconies in the dark.

from my love and to my love

Oh look! I let go of somebody. Not completely; I have graduated only to that point where looking at his name causes the littlest of heart-pangs and a but oh, have you forgotten? and then I am sensible (and the merest littlest teeniest bit homicidal) again. Someday he will return a letter, and then I will forgive him and move on. Stealing my creativity without any reciprocals is not a crime I am ready to pardon yet, and I have already allowed far too many to get away with it.

I have been dreaming of ways to sneak into somebody's round house.

Unforeseen, this most sweet, beautiful change.

women's days

I have been working three weeks without a holiday, and yet I have found the time to visit India Gate at midnight and eat meetha paan while boys with accents played hotel California on out-of-tune acoustic guitars nearby and great shiny lights lit shiny construction sites; and I have found the time to take walks through the market during Tuesday haat with flatmates and drink bitter carrot juice at roadside stalls and be overcharged by fruitsellers; and I have found the time to be a Shoulder to people who told me and told me and then told me they felt better because they'd told me; and I have found the time to watch Slumdog Millionaire on somebody's laptop on a bed with people i had known for less than a week; and I have found the time to split a meal four ways with strangers when I ordered vegetarian and the others did not, and the time to complain to other strangers about it.

And today and tonight I met old and new geeks I would be a groupie for; and made hypocritical conversations on the bejewelled sofa of my landlady; and wandered the streets alone in the dark with clenched fists afraid that someone would step out of the shadows and I would be stuck in a strange city with nobody to turn to; and I called and called the one person whom I promised I would not, because I knew he would be the Shoulder I needed when I needed, and I needed him.

I am tired and sleep-deprived and overworked and underpaid and all I'm thinking is that I miss the one I love.
What does it mean to be a woman?

And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death

:) Ow.

tired.

I am alone and far away from home and I have gone a week without a whole night of uninterrupted sleep.
The only thing that really bothers me is the amount of money I'm paying to stay in Delhi.

sigh. I just cried a few tears at the unfairness of it all.
Well, and back to work, and work, and another Sunday of work. Isn't my life wonderful?